Living in the moment
A hot mess or a soggy pile
I think sometimes we’re too careful with ourselves. We’re afraid of pushing ourselves too far and breaking in some terrible, irreparable way. We have this image of ourselves as fragile creatures, easily damaged, continually wounded, in need of safety and buffer and padding.
And life has taught us that change brings chaos, that things can go from bad to worse, that we can be hurt, terribly hurt. We build up this resistance to the unexpected because after a while we expect the unknown to bring us only terror and pain.
Of course that approach often leaves us stuck in terror and pain. We love things we can measure even when they’re not so great. It’s not that we can’t handle pain; it’s that we have preferences. We’re willing to face the pain we can predict.
Unpredictable pain? Scary as hell. No thanks.
It’s a logical choice in that there’s logic to it.
It’s just not always good logic.
Staying in the pain you can predict isn’t necessarily better than facing the pain you can’t predict. It’s familiar, so it feels safer. That bias against the unknown is persuasive.
Who knows what might be out there?
If you veer off into the unknown, you’ll have to take it a moment at a time. It will all be new. You won’t have any tracks to follow when you feel weak, scared, confused, unsure, alone.
You’ll be there in the wildness and you’ll have to deal with whatever it brings up: glory or fear, awakening or darkness, a lion attacking or dark shadows sneaking or old voices whispering… You’ll have to be right there in it, real and truthful and capable in each moment. Real so you are honest with yourself and aware of your feelings but not consumed by them. Truthful so you can say Yes or No as needed, so you can refuse false agreements to please or placate or keep the peace. Capable so you can back yourself up with whatever action is needed. A lot of times that turns out to be standing still.
You’ll definitely mess up a lot, if you’re anything like me, and at least 5 days out of 10 you’ll be none of those things. You’ll be a hot mess or a soggy pile.
I think the neat part is you only ever need enough love or strength or wisdom for one moment at a time. They just can’t come any faster than that.