Not just grateful but formidable
I can learn what I need to learn
“It's all there, the good, the bad, but so are we and why not be not just grateful but formidable.”
—Joan Fantozzi, commented here
I am not good at maps, or navigating, or spatial orientation in general.
I am very good at getting lost and not freaking out about it. I am an expert at finding places to turn the car around. And I have developed a knack for estimating the amount of time it *should* take me to get somewhere plus the moments required to make a wrong turn, realize it, and get back on route. I end up getting to most places mostly on time.
Compensation is part of survival.
But sometimes we compensate for the lack of a skill instead of doing the work to gain the skill.
Maybe it’s not a skill that missing, but a sense or talent or natural ability that can’t be learned. There will always be a deficit in that area. Sure. But usually—not always, usually—there are skills to be learned, available skills, that will lessen the deficit.
I’m better, much better, at finding my way around than I was a year ago. And that’s solely because I’ve been driving myself and the kids everywhere. I still miss the turn on routes I know a couple of times a week—the deficit remains.
But it is smaller. 😊
I’ve been noticing lately, as I make choices in a post-divorce life, that there are two ways to lean. There’s the compensation lean.
The other lean is the formidable lean, the power move. It’s staring at the lack, the space, and deciding to fill it with exactly what’s missing. It means learning the skills necessary to provide what is lacking, rather than learning to find a way to live without it.
A long time ago I had a little mantra that got me through feeling inadequate, ill-equipped, unqualified—an imposter—about my own work, and it’s serving me well in many ways now:
I can learn what I need to learn when I need to learn it.
Heck yeah we can.
I am good at not getting lost. It comes from a not quite phobic fear of getting lost that developed in me as a child. I learned to be watchful of what was around me; to look at terrain, buildings, sign posts, huge rocks, colors, etc. And I collected paper maps. I have a box full of maps. At one point, I had 2 huge ( 5'x5' ) terrain maps of the Adirondack mountains, and I pinned them to a not otherwise decorated wall... and I studied them. I studied all the paper maps. I'd find a location and trace the route to my home or to the next location. I have maps of NY, MA, MO, OH, VA, and Syracuse, Atlanta, Boston, and more.
One of the ideas behind this is that from a paper map, I can tell the direction ( north, south, etc ) I need to go. In general, thanks to my vehicle compass, I can at least go in the direction I need to go, and look for "markers". I found a store in St. Louis this way when there visiting in MO. I also got lost in St. Louis one time because the roads had been rebuilt after the printing of the map..... and I drove around a 3 block radius ( and every road inside that radius ) a half a dozen times before I relied on the compass, which did get me out of there ( I also ended up in East St. Louis, just as lost, and then found the main highway back into the city ).
I don't know that this isn't compensation. But I rarely get lost, and I don't get fearful when out and about because I know I can find my way.
Put me on public transportation: plane, train, bus, taxi..... different story !!!! Will I get off at the wrong place ? Does the driver really know where they are going and how to get there ? What if the place I am going is the wrong place and I get off there and am not where I am supposed to be ? Hey, I de-barked a plane once and got on an airport bus that taxied around the air port dropping people at different terminals, and I missed my drop off point..... The driver was nice enough to back track, but I was in tears and so panicked ! I don't like feeling that way.
Make me rely on GPS, and I am not happy ( small screen, have to interact with it while driving ), and it does not show everything I need to see !
What this all means is that, unlike you, I rely on shapes and colors and and boulders and stuff quite a bit..... and studying paper maps before hand. Also, unlike you, I don't remain calm and un-flustered when lost.
I just don't handle "lost" well.... any kind of "lost".
Learning skills means I ask a lot of questions, the most often asked is "why", but all those other "w" questions plus some, too. Often times, of people who can't or won't answer.... that is so difficult to accept.... but mostly of myself. I'm learning to compensate.... or be pushy ( too myself )..... mostly compensate.