New choices appear
So fun! Much delight! *mind cracks open*
“We do crazy things when we’re wounded, everyone’s a bit insane.”
—Tom Waits
Do I spend the next hour reading about Ukraine or writing down little unimportant pieces of my life?
Do I track the latest stats on Covid, get mad about politics, or read a few poems?
Do I think about gas prices or what to make for dinner?
Do I take a walk in the sunshine, or squeeze in all the work I can because money’s tight and kids keep growing and food is expensive?
Do I pay for the therapy my son needs, or settle for a therapist without the specialization to actually help him, or spend a few more hours on the phone trying to find someone in-network and arguing with the insurance people?
Do I believe that everything is sacred or nothing is sacred?
Do I feel bad for what I cannot do, or proud of what I can manage?
No perfect answers, probably not even ‘best’ answers. Just choices to make, small daily choices, leaning now this way and now that way, shuffling along a line I cannot see, making tracks in the sand.
Knowing others wake up to even more difficult choices, yet refusing to diminish my own pain.
Asking for help and accepting the weight of my own burdens.
Exhausted, overwhelmed, stretched thin, with a gratitude that gets brittle, a peace irrevocably threaded with sadness. Waves of panic, cords of tension.
Hands that still touch. A voice that still laughs.
Still somehow weirdly glad I get to make these tiny choices.
Those are not "tiny choices", Annie !!! Those are BIG choices. Those choices feel pretty overwhelming, or at least, pretty heavy.
Question #5: ( this comes from experience ) Continue calling around to find someone with the knowledge and experience that is in-network. If you cannot find one, then settle for the lessor choice... but make the effort. A therapist that is not knowledgeable and is inexperienced might still be able to help, but some of them can do inadvertent harm and create so much havoc for you and your son.
For the rest of it, it's up to you. You know yourself so have a good idea what you need to do and when you need to do it. But go for the walk and read the poetry as often as you can.